Catching Up To Life

So, I've been very bad at keeping up with my blog posts...shame on me! I've just been extremely busy these past few months. I now need to ease my way back into blogging so I'll make this one simple. Simple cause all I really want to say is:

"Give Me Back My Life!"

You see, I took on temporary legal work and have been reviewing documents for over 4 months now and it's just been sucking the life out of me with 60 hours/week minimum requirements. It's not the hours that bother me cause I can work all sorts of crazy hours when I'm doing something I love.  Do I love the kind of legal work I'm currently doing? No, and I can't delude myself into thinking that I do. However, I do have to pay my bills. What bothers me is the little time I have left to advance my artistic endeavors and nurture my inner Amazon Goddess.

Although I have managed to squeeze in a few performances and auditions, I'm not doing as much as I'd like and I've fallen behind on my writing (not just blogging - I'm actually trying to finish a full-length play and a webisode series). I've tried to force myself to sit and write, but I feel as if the quality of my writing has been diminished - either that or my insecurities of having to be perfect at everything I do have managed to creep up again (working in a legal environment can affect me in that manner). I could blame myself for having "resistance" vis-a-vis my writing (read the "The War Of Art" - great book) or I could blame work for making me lose my "oomph" since running on 5 to 6 hours of sleep a day isn't at all beneficial. I mean, I can't think straight anymore. In fact, I think I may be going delirious. So, who can I blame? 

Blame It On Capitalism!
I told you I was starting to go delirious. 

Why Capitalism?
Because I'm a socialist? No. Actually, I'm picking on capitalism because I recently read Karl Marx's Theory Of Alienation and one of his claims seems to fit what my day at work is like, which, in turn, may explain the origin of my delirium...? 

Theory Of Alienation
According to Karl Marx, alienation is a systemic result of Capitalism. That is, in a capitalist society the laborer does not feel realized as a human being since he/she is forced to work for "the man" (the one who owns the means of production) in order to survive. Therefore, work becomes about satisfying the goals of "the man" not his/her own personal goals, which, in turn, alienates the laborer from the work he produces, from working, from him-/herself and from others.

The theory makes sense and definitely seems applicable to my current line of work. I mean, it's as if Marx were referring to all those contract attorneys who sit day in and day out in front of their computers for a minimum of 10 hours a day, 7 days a week, reviewing documents and clicking onto the next. Who could actually feel realized as a human being doing that sort of work?!

I must say that although Marx's theory makes sense in certain circumstances, I don't completely agree with it because he fails to acknowledge laborers who may actually feel realized as human beings in their work, even if they're working for "the man". As interesting as I find Marx's theory, I will spare you further details and advise you to read about it here: http://www.nyu.edu/projects/ollman/books/a.php and get a sense of it's application in our modern society here: http://barrymblog.blogspot.com/2009/05/karl-marx-and-his-theory-of-alienation.html.

The claim I was referring to earlier is the following:

"Marx claims that as a result of his productive activity,

'man (the worker) no longer feels himself to be freely active in any but his animal functions—eating, drinking, procreating, or at most in his dwelling and in dressing-up, etc.; and in his human functions he no longer feels himself to be anything but an animal. What is animal becomes human and what is human becomes animal. Certainly eating, drinking, procreating, etc., are also genuine human functions. But in the abstraction which separates them from the sphere of all other human activity and turns them into sole and ultimate ends, they are animal.'"

See Economic and Philosophical Manuscripts of 1844 p. 73 

Oh no, I'm becoming an animal!
After reading this, I looked up from my cubicle, examined my surroundings and realized that I, along with the other 70 to 90 contract attorneys in the room, had managed to no longer feel freely active, but in our animal functions. You see, a contract attorney sits at his/her desk all day, motionless, starring at the computer screen with a blank glassy stare, reviewing documents and clicking away - akin to Marx's capitalist laborer - all  in an effort to aid the production of documents for the law firm. It's no wonder that some contract attorneys tend to gain weight when on these document review projects. And can you blame them? I mean, the highlight of a contract attorney's day is what he/she is going to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Why? Because we get our self-realization from choosing what to put into our stomachs than from clicking documents and so we eat any chance we can, which, in turn, leads to more bathroom breaks - another highlight of our day - and by the end of the day all we have left to look forward to is sleep. So, basically, self-realization for a contract attorney is achieved by eating, shitting, sleeping and....

Well, Marx did mention procreation, but I think it's more about the act that precedes procreation. S-E-X! Of course, contract attorneys exercise more self-control in the work place. After all we are not animals, and contrary to what Marx may have thought, these functions would never become sole and ultimate ends for us (at least, I hope that's not the case). However, that does not mean that the mind does not wander away from our productive activity. Mine does for sure - involuntarily and voluntarily. For e.g., whenever I feel like blowing my brains out from reviewing documents, all I have to do is look up across the room to that cute attorney who sits a few rows in front of me and feel self-realized. Oh don't be so shocked - girls think about these things just as much as boys. Although, I must admit I'm more like a 15 year old boy when it comes to this one attorney. Now, he's not a contract attorney; he's an actual associate so he probably does get his self-realization from his productive activity, in which case he would be the exception to Marx's theory. But if that is true then that would also mean that he probably doesn't feel self-realized looking back at me...? Oh what a bummer! :((

Anyway, I guess my point is that working as a Contract Attorney sucks with the exception of those moments where self-realization is achieved by performing our animal-like functions throughout the day. Seems to fit Marx's theory, but still doesn't explain why I can't think straight enough to write and why I feel like I'm going delirious even when I'm not at work. Although, I think I may have stumbled upon the real culprit in my somewhat garbled analysis of Marx's theory: that darn cute attorney. Arrrgghhh.

Oh well....


Disclaimer: This post is meant to be humorous. I am not a proponent of Communism. In fact, I am grateful to Capitalism for the job I have, which affords me the ability to pursue my artistic endeavors. And when unemployed, I am grateful to Socialism for affording me the same.

Shaping My Outer Amazon Goddess

So I started doing P90X last week and absolutely love it!!! A friend introduced me to the program and after seeing the results she's had with it I decided to give it a go. By the way, have you seen all those "Before and After" pictures on the web? Well, they're all real (unfortunately for you, I will not be posting those pictures of myself here - oh don't worry you'll get over it :)).

Anyway, I'm into my second week and I already feel stronger than before.  Of course, I want to clarify that P90X is not necessarily a beginner's exercise program.  I kickbox, but my schedule doesn't allow me to get to the gym as much as I'd like and kickboxing can get pretty expensive so P90X is a great alternative.  I've heard stories from others who have given up on the program because it was too intense. It is a very intense program that requires a huge time committment as some of the workouts can run up to 90 minutes and you have to do it 6 days per week.  However, if you set a reasonable goal for yourself you can do it - anyone can do it.

My goal is to make a complete lifestyle change by eating healthy and exercising more. Actually, here are a couple of youtube videos from Coach Barbie that inspire me:






So, I feel like a bit of a cheat for not posting pictures of my transformation, but I'll get over it. Heck, you may have your own pictures to post soon (more power to you). On second thought, I'll probably come back and post some pictures in the future - of course, I'd love to show off my results :))

What Started It All...ACTING

I must confess that resistance has been manifesting itself for the past few days as I've been dragging my feet to write this post on ACTING.

By the way, if you want to know more about resistance and the effect it can have on your art, read "The War of Art" by Stephen Pressfield - http://www.stevenpressfield.com/the-war-of-art

ACTING is what actually put me on the path to search for my inner Amazon Goddess and/or higher creative being. Like some or many of us, I've been through some dark periods in my life and I truly believe that acting has helped me get through those periods and it continues to help me. There's definitely a therapeutic intangible that occurs when you step out of all the shit going on in your life and take on the life of a character. Through acting, you give yourself permission to detach from your current circumstances in order to take on the circumstances of your character. I speak of detaching from my "circumstances" and not from myself because as an actor I cannot detach from myself since the character is and will always be ME within the given circumstances of the play/film. However, that is not to say that my current circumstances cannot feed the emotional life of my character, if needed. What I'm saying is that the detachment from my current circumstances has allowed me to become an objective observer of same, which, in turn, has helped me passify whatever craziness I may have been experiencing at the time (I hope this makes sense).

In any event, acting has been very therapeutic for me and it has further allowed me to experience EMOTIONS that I had learned to suppress since childhood.

Emotional Suppression. I'll admit it was terrifying for me to experience these emotions at first. I felt so vulnerable and that scared me because allowing myself to be in that state went against my beliefs and took me out of my comfort zone. Yet, as terrifying as it was to feel vulnerable it felt extremely LIBERATING.

You see, I had been conditioned to think that showing vulnerability was a sign of weakness and I sure as hell did not want to appear weak - not me; I'm the strong one, the one that has her shit together. At least that's how I've portrayed myself to others - it has been my defense mechanism and my way of surviving for quite a while. Little did I know that my external mechanism for survival was internally killing me by repressing my inner Amazon Goddess.

My Cathartic Experience. During an Emotional Preparation and Acting class I was attending (http://jimbonneyacting.com/), I got up to do a monologue and felt as if my body was there, but I wasn't - there was a complete disconnect. I just couldn't hit the emotional intensity required for that monologue - I wasn't allowing myself to because it was too scary. The teacher immediately challenged me on this and I became defensive - he pushed and pushed and I found myself getting angrier and angrier until he finally gave me the permission I needed to unleash all the rage I had in me. When that happened, I kid you not, it was as if an exorcism was being performed on me - I screamed and screamed, my voice dropped to the lowest registry possible, and I thought I was hearing the devil's voice coming out of me. It was frightening to hear, but it was the voice of all the pain I had suppressed since childhood. I cried long and hard afterwards and even as I write this now I still cry because it astonishes me how much I had been punishing myself and I will never do that again.

Survival Of The Fittest. My fittest is gradually becoming my inner Amazon Goddess as I am now learning to live each day in her honor in order to ensure my survival :))

An Actor's Gift. I am so grateful to acting because it has given me the ability to heal myself (of course, with the help of my wonderful teachers, which include Terry Schreiber, Jim Bonney, Pamela Scott, Lynn Singer, Burke Pearson, etc... and Harold Guskin soon). As an Actor, I'm in a privileged position to give to others that same ability to have a cathartic experience that will allow them to heal through my performance. This is why I think it's so important for Actors to unblock their emotions and really feel what the character is experiencing in the moment in order to truly connect with audience members.

An actor's true gift is giving the audience their very own cathartic experience.

Check out the amazing Patsy Rodenburg:Why I do Theater
http://www.ted.com/talks/patsy_rodenburg_why_i_do_theater.html

In Search Of The Tranz Buddha

I received two images from a very good friend of mine who is currently visiting Amsterdam. The first image came with the following message:

"Good Memories are wealth! Remember peeing in the canal? I peed in sink yesterday. :-)"

Ahhhh Amsterdam, I can hear the water run.  My buddy's comment definitely brought on the chuckles cause I do remember laughing non-stop as my friends and I pee-pee'd into one of Amsterdam's canals. This was over 12 years ago and we didn't know any better then. Although, not much has changed for me cause I still pee-pee in large bodies of water and so does everyone in Bermuda and you do too so don't deny it. Anyway, the night we pee-pee'd in the canals, the five of us were having an Alice In Wonderland experience - you know, like when colors are more vibrant than usual, things morph into different shapes, everything is so funny and your mission in life (at least for that night) is to find "The Tranz Buddha". 

What is the Tranz Buddha? Till this day I have no idea who or what the Tranz Buddha is and neither do my friends. All we know is that we walked around in circles through Amsterdam from 9pm till 5am the next day trying to reach the Tranz Buddha. I guess it could've been a dance club, sounds like a cool name for one, but there's no confirmation. We asked everyone on the street for directions, but it was like the blind leading the blind - everyone in Amsterdam was pretty much seeking the same person/place/thing (whatever it was). It was all very Wizard Of Oz, which leads me to believe that maybe we were all just searching aimlessly for our inner Amazon Goddesses and didn't know it at the time (???). I mean, I began my search for an Amazon Goddess the moment I was put in a trance by guided imagery work just like 12 years ago my friends and I began searching for Tranz Buddha the moment we were put into trances by the effects of magic shrooms (WOW, I came full circle on that one). It's pretty similar - both methods of trance reach the subconcious mind, which holds all the answers to life's questions...you just gotta know how to communicate with the it (I will blog more on this some other time - it's pretty fascinating).  Oh and let's not forget how Dorothy, Toto, the Tin Man, the Scare Crow and the Lion (oh my they were in a group of five as well) went in search of this Wizard who would solve all their shortcomings and help Dorothy get back home - man did they have one hell of a trip trying to reach the Wizard. However, Dorothy was dreaming. Dreams are another way to reach the subconcious mind, but like I said that's a whole new blog entry. For now, just pay close attention to your dreams because they are revealing a whole lot more to you than what you think.

Disclaimer: Please be advised that I do not condone the use of subconcious mind enhancers. There is a time and a place for that. You are free to seek or not to seek the help of a hypnotherapist, my voice teacher, any method acting teacher or simply travel overseas, but that will be your decision to make based on your own subconcious desire.

However, should you choose to travel overseas, then I highly recommend staying at "The Flying Pig Hostel" (check it out here: http://www.flyingpig.nl/) - this is the second image my friend sent:

"Tu te souviens un peu?" Mais bien sûr!!!

The staff is great and very resourceful ;))

Oh and please let me know if you have better luck reaching the Tranz Buddha.

Support Rather Than CoDependence

Okay so my cousin said the following to me about cliff jumping:

"Whatever you needed to give you the courage in the end you still made the decision to go through with it. Think of it as support rather than co-dependence! The key to unlock your Inner Goddess is to believe in yourself and if it takes a bit of someone else's belief in you to make that happen it doesn't lessen your own strength."

She is absolutely right!!! Makes perfect sense. I mean, why couldn't I think of my promise to jump as the support I needed rather than codependence?! I'll tell you the reason why...it's called a "therapist." As I mentioned before, I've only had 2 therapy sessions ever and the therapist immediately diagnosed me as being a codependent. I walked out of those sessions thinking I had some sort of a disease (of course, it's not a disease). I'll admit, I've done quite a few things in life motivated by my desire to not dissappoint others (i.e. became a lawyer - although it has grown on me) and I do have a hard time saying "NO" to others, which oftens puts me in situations I'd prefer not to be in. However, this was different because I really wanted to jump off that cliff so whatever promise I may have made at the time to whomever was not codependency, it was just the support I needed to go ahead and jump and that doesn't diminish my strength at all (and I shouldn't think it does). Thanks for clarifying that cuz!

I knew this blog would be cheaper than a 3rd therapy session.

Overcoming Analysis Paralysis in Bermuda

I find traveling to be a great way to get out of my head because I can leave all my analytical bullshit behind and take on a new life for the short duration of a trip. Yeah, but I'm only fooling myself cause as soon as I get back I'll just crawl right back into my head. Wait...but does it have to be that way? NO! I just have to face my fears and overcome them, right? Arrrrgghhhh.

Anyway, I found Bermuda fascinating and invigorating. I stayed with a very dear friend of mine, his girlfriend and two more friends that came down from NYC. We had a blast. It was Bermuda's Cup Match holiday weekend (read about it here: http://www.experiencebermuda.com/activities/cupmatch.html). I arrived early on Thursday so that I could make it to BeachFest Emancipation Celebration (check it out here: http://beach-fest.com/). As soon as I got to the beach, I realized how pale as a ghost I was so I immediately laid out to get some color before joining the festivities. I'll admit I was in my head that day, but it was hard not to be when I stuck out like a sore thumb. My buddy Johnnie tried comforting me by saying "don't worry you just look like a tourist" - not sure how that was supposed to make me feel better. In any event, I laid out for a bit and, thereafter, joined the festivities, which included Tug of War games, DJ and live music, lots of drinking, lots of grinding, whinning and "SKANKING." Love that word cause it sounds so wrong, but it's just the name of a rhythmic dance performed to reggae or ska music, characterized by bending forward, raising the knees, and extending the hands.

The following day we went to Cup Match on a booze filled party boat. Again, more drinking and skanking - people hooking up - random strangers having sex in the bathroom (hey, more power to them - who am I to judge anyway?!) It was all so much fun. I also gambled a bit and walked away with threefolds the amount I started out with - definitely begginner's luck. Saturday was a more relaxed day - at least, it was supposed to be. We swam in the ocean, visited the caves and swam there as well, went into the hot tub and played on the AquaGlide (check it out at: http://aquaglide.net/) - now this was the highlight of the day. We were like children going on and off this thing, sliding off it and jumping on the trampoline. I have a new found respect for the contestants of Wipeout (http://abc.go.com/shows/wipeout) - that shit is hard! Sunday was the Non-Mariners Race and it was ON! Here's a video of last year's race (I'm sure ones for this year will appear soon): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iuwdFRRY8Gg. After much drinking and dancing, we took a ride out to dive off the cliffs. OMG this was the ultimate experience. It was here that my inner Amazon Goddess wanted to unleash HA!

Diving Off A Bermudian Cliff. Talk about facing my fears! If you see this video at the 2:20 mark you'll see where I dove off from: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4IBn5BYItho&feature=related. It was one of the scariest things I've ever done cause the wooden platform is not built well over the rocks below so you have no choice but to run from far behind at full speed and jump in order to dive with enough clearance between your body and the rocks; otherwise, you can end up scrapping the skin off your body or just plain dying. It took a lot for me to dive. I was in my head the whole time, thinking how stupid am I for even contemplating doing this, what if I scrape my entire skin off, what if I die, or what if I break something and become a paraplegic. Well I didn't have to "what if" that last one cause I was already paralyzed (I had a case of analysis paralysis). I went so deep in my head that I felt my heart beating faster and harder, my legs shaking and my thoughts racing and I just stood there for a good 10 minutes mortified. However, my inner Amazon Goddess refused to let me back down; she wanted me to face my fears and trust that I will make it if I just run and jump. That is, if I just take a leap of faith. Even after listening to my inner self, I still hesitated. I kept running from far behind and stopping right at the edge to chicken out. I did that a few times. It took me making a promise to Stein (he's one of the guys in the diving video) that I would do it in order for me to finally run and jump and when I did - IT WAS AMAZING!!!!

Identifying A CoDependent Behaviorial Pattern. It all happened so quickly once I jumped off and the feeling of triumph that overcame me afterwards was exhilirating. I felt triumphant because I had conquered my fears. However, my inner Amazon Goddess was a bit dissappointed that it took me making a promise to someone else to jump for me to do so rather than just listening to her and doing it for her. And this is when I realized I'm a typical codependent because what became more important to me at the time was not dissappointing Stein by breaking my promise to jump rather than just doing it for ME. So this is the disconnect I have with my inner self - something I'm going to have to remedy eventually. However, I shouldn't be too hard on myself. Truth is I did overcome my fears (not all of them just a few) and what's more important is that I can now identify a behaviorial pattern that I want to and, hopefully, will change - so, YAY for me!!!

The Morning After...

So, I woke up this morning and the first thing on my mind as my stomach began to twist and turn was "OMG I started a blog! TMI! TMI! What was I thinking?! I can't share all that information on the web" and then I went to the bathroom and thought "Oh you silly girl, but who really cares what you do? Besides, ain't like anyone's reading it...at least not right now...maybe never...OMG OMG no one cares? Stop that!!! You're doing it for fun." Then after being relieved (both literally and figuratively) I started to think "WOW, if I were to be involved in some sort of crime and needed an alibi my blog could possible save me" and then it was like "hey, snap out of it! Just continue blogging, get out of your head and quit trying to rationalize everything you do."

Getting Out of My Head.  Yeah, that's something I'd love to do. It's always easier said than done. You see, I'm a lawyer and that's what lawyers are trained to do - to stay in their heads in order to analyze and rationalize every minutia of a case. I wasn't always like this, but law school changed me. Prior to law school, I had no idea how to compartmentalize my thoughts into some rational sense that I could communicate to others. I was more like a child - often blurting half sentences or words in hopes that others would just understand me, which I always found so frustrating, especially when they'd go "huh?" Being in my head can sometimes be a good thing, but I find it's often bad for me because I start to rationalize everything I do in life, which leads to endless thoughts of "what if's" and insurmountable indecisions that can be paralyzing. It's what I like to call "Analysis Paralysis" and it hinders my inner Amazon Goddess and blocks my creativity. I'm not saying I want to revert to the fully grown 5 year old I was prior to law school cause at least I now know how to streamline my thought process and communicate effectively with others in a verbal manner as opposed to getting frustrated and wanting to scream and punch others in the face for not understanding me, but I would like to be somewhere inbetween (sans the violence).

Analysis Paralysis. Of course it can strike anyone, anywhere at any time and it can be deadly...deadly for your inner goddess (men have inner goddesses too). It's not something that just strikes lawyers (or judges), but anyone who strives for perfection and/or fears making a wrong choice. That is, anyone who is a "codependent" (hopefully, you would have read up on it as I recommended in my last post and figured out that you are somewhat codependent). Actually, it's not a codependent issue - I'm just messing with ya - you're probably not even codependent, but you may have felt stuck at times in life. We all do at one point or another and that's when we get into our heads and allow analysis paralysis to take over, which can be down right depressing. Some of you may choose to face whatever is bogging you down and change your circumstances, which is highly commendable, and others, like me, may choose to just become little busy bees, working all the time, putting everyone's needs first so we don't have time to even think about ourselves. Well, I want to be the one that faces all her fears from here on out.

Overcoming Analysis Paralysis in Bermuda. I find traveling abroad to places where no one knows you is a sure way to overcome analysis paralysis and gain new inspiration.

Actually, I will talk about Bermuda in my next blog entry cause I have to get some work done around here.  Although, I'm starting to see how blogging can become somewhat addicting - it's loads of fun and somewhat therapeutic. A tout a l'heure!

Oh in the meantime, check this out: http://moxietherapy.com/ this site claims that MOX!E is about stepping out of your comfort zone and being willing to do what you really want to do even though it scares you. Yet you know it will provide untold rewards!
Sounds like it's up my alley, but not sure what it's all about - if you do, drop me a line (as if anyone is reading this...eventually, someone will, n'est-ce pas?). Ciao Chau!

Reconnecting with my inner Amazon Goddess

Hi there! I'm Vanessa and this is my first time blogging. I thought I'd give this a try as I am trying to find ways to hold myself accountable to myself and start living my life for no one else but me. That is, I'm on a path to finding and/or reconnecting with my inner Amazon Goddess. Hence the name of this blog.

Why an Amazon Goddess? Well, that's how I see my inner repressed self as being. Actually, my voice teacher, Lynn Singer (wonderful voice and acting teacher http://www.lsvoiceworks.com/), had me do an imagery exercise (that's where you're put into a trance, kinda like hypnosis, and guided through imagery work - really cool stuff) - anyway, the point was to see my higher inner self and ask her what is holding my voice back. My inner self appeared to me as an Amazon sized beautiful, sophisticated and sensual Goddess enwrapped in white flames who calmly said that I needed to heal my heart and set myself free. You see, I am what you'd call non-confrontational, soft spoken, dainty and always caring of others while leaving myself for last and I don't want to be this person because I'm really a gregarious, happy, bigger than life woman who speaks her mind in a lower vocal registry when connected to her real emotions, laughs fully loud and knows to put herself first, second and third on her list of priorities (and that doesn't mean she's selfish; just means she makes sure to take care of herself first, her needs second, and her wants third). 

How did I get disconnected from my inner self? Well, so many events since childhood have made me repress my inner self and hold my power back. It's just all too much to get into and I sure as hell don't want to turn this blog into some psycho-babble crap. Although, I will say this: I've recently discovered I'm a "codependent" - my therapist said that to me (first time ever going to a therapist - Jim Bonney, he's also an acting teacher http://www.jimbonneyacting.com/ - have had two sessions so far and not sure when the next session will be cause I've got no money or health care coverage to keep this up - hence another reason for this blog, which seems like a much cheaper alternative since I get to write and analyze my own thoughts and hopefully get constructive feedback from others, if anyone ever reads this). In any event, my therapist was right. I learned that by going to a CoDA (CoDependents Anonymous http://www.coda.org/) meeting, which he insisted I go to. Of course, I was in denial at first, but it makes perfect sense or I think it does cause now I have something to tack all my problems onto (if that makes any sense?). By the way, we're all codependents in one way or another - read up on it and I'm sure you'll identify in some way (check out: http://www.melodybeattie.com/).

Whatever the case may be, the truth is that I want to reconnect with my inner Amazon Goddess so over the course of however long it takes I will blog about the various things I have done and will do to own my inner Amazon Goddess. Oh how exciting!!! At least for me it is :))