Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Reconnecting with my inner Amazon Goddess

Hi there! I'm Vanessa and this is my first time blogging. I thought I'd give this a try as I am trying to find ways to hold myself accountable to myself and start living my life for no one else but me. That is, I'm on a path to finding and/or reconnecting with my inner Amazon Goddess. Hence the name of this blog.

Why an Amazon Goddess? Well, that's how I see my inner repressed self as being. Actually, my voice teacher, Lynn Singer (wonderful voice and acting teacher http://www.lsvoiceworks.com/), had me do an imagery exercise (that's where you're put into a trance, kinda like hypnosis, and guided through imagery work - really cool stuff) - anyway, the point was to see my higher inner self and ask her what is holding my voice back. My inner self appeared to me as an Amazon sized beautiful, sophisticated and sensual Goddess enwrapped in white flames who calmly said that I needed to heal my heart and set myself free. You see, I am what you'd call non-confrontational, soft spoken, dainty and always caring of others while leaving myself for last and I don't want to be this person because I'm really a gregarious, happy, bigger than life woman who speaks her mind in a lower vocal registry when connected to her real emotions, laughs fully loud and knows to put herself first, second and third on her list of priorities (and that doesn't mean she's selfish; just means she makes sure to take care of herself first, her needs second, and her wants third). 

How did I get disconnected from my inner self? Well, so many events since childhood have made me repress my inner self and hold my power back. It's just all too much to get into and I sure as hell don't want to turn this blog into some psycho-babble crap. Although, I will say this: I've recently discovered I'm a "codependent" - my therapist said that to me (first time ever going to a therapist - Jim Bonney, he's also an acting teacher http://www.jimbonneyacting.com/ - have had two sessions so far and not sure when the next session will be cause I've got no money or health care coverage to keep this up - hence another reason for this blog, which seems like a much cheaper alternative since I get to write and analyze my own thoughts and hopefully get constructive feedback from others, if anyone ever reads this). In any event, my therapist was right. I learned that by going to a CoDA (CoDependents Anonymous http://www.coda.org/) meeting, which he insisted I go to. Of course, I was in denial at first, but it makes perfect sense or I think it does cause now I have something to tack all my problems onto (if that makes any sense?). By the way, we're all codependents in one way or another - read up on it and I'm sure you'll identify in some way (check out: http://www.melodybeattie.com/).

Whatever the case may be, the truth is that I want to reconnect with my inner Amazon Goddess so over the course of however long it takes I will blog about the various things I have done and will do to own my inner Amazon Goddess. Oh how exciting!!! At least for me it is :))

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